Top 5 Criminal Footballers – Putting the Laughter in Manslaughter
By Aaron Evans
With some frequency many professional football players have been accused of thinking they are above the law. However this group of rapscallions have had to face up to their misbehavior with a stint in chokey. At some point or another most footballers creep on to the front pages of the daily tabs for some misdemeanor or another, be it sleazing up some tart from Grimsby or clouting a fan in a regional branch of Yates’s. But this lot take the biscuit and then punch the very same biscuit in the face!
5) Tony Adams (Drunk Driving). We all love a drink, in fact I can often be found with Babycham in my paw of an evening – but dear old ‘Donkey’ Adams was a ferocious guzzler. A well-documented breakdown led to charges of drunk driving. This was an era in football where it was quite common to sup a creamy pint of Cornish ale at half time accompanied by a ciggie. Football was changing quite dramatically and with the money from BSkyB flowing in, most clubs started taking it a bit more seriously. Adams served four months of Porridge. Speculation of him moving on from Arsenal was rife, but this appeared to be the kick op the ‘ass’ (excuse the pun) that he needed. Under Wenger Adams blossomed from an old school bruiser to an intelligent ball playing centre back, he even started getting on the score sheet. Inspired by this remarkable U-turn he went on to found the Sporting Chance Clinic, so all is forgiven you ugly bastard.
4) Graham Rix (Indecent Assault, Underage Sex). Sentenced to 12 months, served 6 – you get more for fly tipping. Former Arsenal and Chelsea sleaze bag Rix was convicted of noncing the 15 year old daughter of a family friend. My Uncle Alan got accused of the same thing, turns out it was a misunderstanding, but mud sticks. Giving birth to what is considered the finest piece of terrace humour, “If you tolerate Rix then your children will be next” (sung to the tune of Manic Street Preachers If you tolerate this). Football has a funny was of brushing moral issues under the carpet – this is prime example.
3) Gary Charles (Drunk Driving, Breach of Bail, Assault x 2). With a catalogue of offences, short fused, nut-bag Gary Charles punches his way to number 3 in the list. Clinically an alcoholic Charles has had two stints at her Majesty’s pleasure. First for drunk driving and then for throwing punches at a woman at a taxi rank in North East Derbyshire. In between the multiple trials Charles was chucked in the clink for turning up to court drunk. This lad had a heady mix of chutzpah and mental problems – not a good blend. Serving the full 12 months Charles was has been described by friends and family as “Mad as a shit-house rat”. Although not considered a player of great quality, he did muster two England caps and could hit a ball with great accuracy.
2) Lee Hughes (Causing Death by Dangerous Driving). Lovely Lee Hughes was considered a great talent in the lower leagues, famously slotting away 35 goals in one season for Kidderminster Harriers. Although, most will remember him as the coward that drove his ridiculously expensive car away from the scene of an accident, after leaving Douglas Graham dead in the other vehicle. After handing himself in to the police, Hughes was sentenced to six years in the clink and handed a ten year driving ban. On release he gave a heartfelt yet media trained public apology – but it was clear no one cared. The real joke was his well-publicized return to football, causing most readers of the daily rags to grind their teeth down to a fine powder. Absolute twat.
1) Marlon King (Wounding, Fraudulent Use of Vehicle License, Theft, Credit Card Fraud, Obtaining Property by Deception and Criminal Damage, Handling Stolen Cars, Assault and Unprovoked Attack, Assault, Sexual Assault, Assault Occasioning Actual Bodily Harm). At number 1 is serial offender Marlon King. A rap sheet to rival the population of Harlem, Marlon King is what you loosely describe as a real piece of shit. After never really showing any promise as a footballer, King flitted around the lower echelons of the Football League. Despite his reputation he had been given chance after chance, and predictably let clubs down time after time. There is not much to say about this lad, but it’s worth noting that any man that gropes a woman and then breaks her nose, needs the respect that he forwards to others. It’s also worth noting that for a career that has spanned 13 years this is the one thing he has won. Well done Marlon King, shit footballer, shit man, and convicted sex offender.
Posted on July 19, 2011, in *Aaron Evans, Humour and tagged Aaron Evans, Criminals, Gary Charles, Graham Rix, Humour, Kidderminster Harriers, Lee Hughes, Marlon King, Soccer, Tony Adams. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a Comment.